Posted in Friday, February 29, 2008
I am so exhausted. 

Last night my boyfriend and I talked, fought, cried, talked, fought and cried. I'm so tired of having the same argument. I really need to get my life together before I add somebody permanently to it and I'm done feeling like a bad person because I recognize this in myself. I know he's not asking me to marry him today but that's not the point. 

I am not the terrible psycho bitch he feels I am because I see us in this negative pattern where we fight about "my inability to grow up and move in together" and I think it's about time we confront it instead of ignore it and wait for us to blow up again three months later. If we take accountability for this situation we will better in the long run, right? 

I'm not saying that I don't see myself with him later in life. I just think that I'm twenty-fucking-three years old and I deserve to be a little selfish and make sure that I get to do all of the things I'd like to do before I settle down. It's not like I want to whore it up or something but traveling and living on my own isn't so much to ask for... is it? 

He might hate me for a long time and his friends will never be my friends again but maybe that's what needs to happen for a while. And maybe I'm okay with being the "bitch that broke his heart" if that means that we'll be happier, better people in the future.

I'm really conflicted and I want to do the right thing (What Would Spike Lee Do?) 
Honestly, what do I do? 
Am I completely irrational? 
Am I making something out of nothing? 
Will everything be okay?
Will he really hate me?
Am I responsible for making him feel miserable?
Will he even talk to me in a few years or have I lost him forever?
Am I making the best, most rational decision?
Is he going to be okay?
Will we find each other again?
Am I making a horrible mistake?
Why do long-distance relationships magnify every little issue lying under the surface?
How come it is so difficult to decide what to do?

I am so exhausted.

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Lack Luster

Posted in Wednesday, February 27, 2008
I've always wanted to be the kind of person that reads a lot. I think I'd feel more intelligent or be more interesting if I did. Yes, reading might make me more interesting to talk to. 

Lately I've been feeling so bored with myself. I don't do much during a typical week. I go to my internship, get tea with Christine, talk to my boyfriend on the phone, check CNN. Then I watch Conan and fall asleep to whichever dvd is closest to the top of the pile. Sometimes I'll have a few hours at the radio station to work over the weekend. Then it's out to the same bars, see the same people (that I never remember because I've never had a real conversation with them) and then attempt to clean my room on Sunday and do it again next week.
 
Yuck, everything is so dull and predictable right now. It would be wonderful to just go some place new and have a fresh start at life. Today I was asked where I would go if I could go anywhere.. I couldn't think of that perfect place to go. And the weird thing is, I have a huge, huge, huge, list of places I'd love to experience ... has this funk sucked out all of my passion for life? 

I feel like I'm way too young to be this lame.
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market research

Posted in Tuesday, February 26, 2008
So I'm watching quarterlife and feeling a little creeped out. It's insane how most of the causes I support, most of the music I like, most of the films and tv I watch can be predicted through market research.

I don't know if I love this show because of that or absolutely hate it for the same reason.

Interesting...
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Photos from FFNII

Posted in Tuesday, February 26, 2008

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Juno!

Posted in Monday, February 25, 2008
Congrats to Diablo Cody for her Oscar for Best Original Screenplay, the Independent Spirit Awards for her and Ellen Page and of course the Coen Brothers for their wins.

Way to rock it out MN!
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Wine, Granola and other thoughts

Posted in Monday, February 25, 2008
Through out history there have been many classic combinations: Wendy's Frosty's and french fries, romantic comedies and Ben & Jerry's, tequila and limes, the elderly and boat-like cars, Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches...

Tonight I'm trying out cinnamon & raisin granola with Trader Joe's wine and I have to say, it is a fantastic duo. It's sweet but not too sweet and the granola makes me feel sorta healthy. Being a veggie, I'm all for high calorie power snacks... even when I'm not planning on working out or camping or being generally productive. It's definitely better than soggy peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

I spent three summer's working at Luther Park Bible Camp and two summer's as a junior counselor but who are we kidding, I totally did all the work. When I say Bible Camp, please do not put me in the same category as "Jesus Camp," the religious right, or Republicans in general. This camp was so not like that. 

My feeling on Christianity is that it should be all about love and respect for all people, if it's not, then you're just a hypocrite ... but that's just me.

Anyways, at LPBC I worked mostly in the outdoor programs. We'd lead kids on canoe trips, biking/canoe trips or rock it out in the "tree houses." I absolutely loved being on the river with a fun group of kids. It's beautiful, peaceful and perfect. The only negative is the soggy pb&j you'd inevitably have for lunch. It didn't happen all the time but I luckily got to experience it at least twice a week. I don't know if it was a fluke or curse but wherever my sandwich was, it would always get a healthy dose of river water. No matter how bad ass you think you are, it's tough to choke down a soggy pb&j. Only one other thing gets my gag reflex going quicker.

Long term relationships and young marriages. My boyfriends' younger brother just got engaged. He's 21 and hasn't finished school yet. I don't get it.

You'd think he'd want to travel, meet people, finish school and have a job, move out of the same state they both have been living in since they were born. I would feel so stifled if I couldn't do any of those things. I'm trying to be supportive of all of my friends that are married (50 couples), getting married (20 engaged) and getting engaged but sometimes I just want to shake them and be like "Really? Are you really sure about this?"

I'm all for moving on with life but to me, moving that far forward before 28 would be just as bad as eating a soaked pb&j with fighting middle schoolers, biting nats and a hole in your canoe on a 40 degree August afternoon, in the rain. 
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making some tea

Posted in Sunday, February 24, 2008
It has been a long time since I've written. I've been interning with Metro Magazine for the last two months. I produce a tv show for comcast cable, I write, copyedit, research, get to be a part of events and I almost never run out of something to do. It's fantastic, I love being busy again. It's also so nice to be able to use the mix of things I did in school and actually know what I'm talking about. 

Last night was Fashion Fight Night II at the Uppercut Gym in NE Mpls. The transformation of the place from before set up to the end was crazy awesome. It looked amazing and people had a blast. I spent the night with me favorite girl in the entire world, Christine. We timed the matches, counted up the scores and attempted to interpret when to cue and how to cue everyone needing a cue... it was a disorganized job but somebody had to do it and if anything Christine and I did it in our own quirky style.

The fashion was crazy, the photographers were amazing, the models were fierce, the music kicked ass... it was THE place to be last night in the 612. After the event Christine and I met up with people at the Lodge for a bit. She stayed out with the boyfriend until late and I went home early.

I'm all about going out and having fun but then I reach that point where I just want to chill. Last night was that point, we were out and all I wanted to was to grab some food and head home. Soo I did and it was a great end to such a fashionable night... 
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