I am so exhausted.
Last night my boyfriend and I talked, fought, cried, talked, fought and cried. I'm so tired of having the same argument. I really need to get my life together before I add somebody permanently to it and I'm done feeling like a bad person because I recognize this in myself. I know he's not asking me to marry him today but that's not the point.
I am not the terrible psycho bitch he feels I am because I see us in this negative pattern where we fight about "my inability to grow up and move in together" and I think it's about time we confront it instead of ignore it and wait for us to blow up again three months later. If we take accountability for this situation we will better in the long run, right?
I'm not saying that I don't see myself with him later in life. I just think that I'm twenty-fucking-three years old and I deserve to be a little selfish and make sure that I get to do all of the things I'd like to do before I settle down. It's not like I want to whore it up or something but traveling and living on my own isn't so much to ask for... is it?
He might hate me for a long time and his friends will never be my friends again but maybe that's what needs to happen for a while. And maybe I'm okay with being the "bitch that broke his heart" if that means that we'll be happier, better people in the future.
I'm really conflicted and I want to do the right thing (What Would Spike Lee Do?)
Honestly, what do I do?
Am I completely irrational?
Am I making something out of nothing?
Will everything be okay?
Will he really hate me?
Am I responsible for making him feel miserable?
Will he even talk to me in a few years or have I lost him forever?
Am I making the best, most rational decision?
Is he going to be okay?
Will we find each other again?
Am I making a horrible mistake?
Why do long-distance relationships magnify every little issue lying under the surface?
How come it is so difficult to decide what to do?
I am so exhausted.
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